


When the Stars Fall Down

by WildnessBecomesYou



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, F/F, Hurt, Lots of Crying, Please Proceed With Caution, and dying from it, like honestly this fic is painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26860501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildnessBecomesYou/pseuds/WildnessBecomesYou
Summary: The air is heavy tonight. Gwendolyn knows she might not have long.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 28
Kudos: 80





	When the Stars Fall Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SBWomenofMarvel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBWomenofMarvel/gifts).



> A big smack in the face of angst requested by SBWomenofMarvel. 
> 
> I gotta admit, I've lost two people to cancer in the past three years, both incredibly strong women, and this was... strangely cathartic to write. But it's painful. So really, I mean it, proceed with caution.

The air is heavy tonight, like the stars have weighed the sky down, like they might fall out of the sky at any moment and ruin the world in a flash of bright glory. 

Mildred doesn’t want them to. If it were up to her, the sky would stay up forever, and nothing would change. Well, a few things might change. But the stars would stay where they are. They would twinkle gently for the rest of time. 

Gwendolyn’s hand in her hair is a comfort, is a grounding measure. She’s sprawled across Gwendolyn’s lap, trying to cover the older’s woman’s legs, to keep her warm. 

She’s lost so much weight. She says her body feels weak. Her hair is gone at this point, and her hands tremble more than she’d like. But she’s in the thick of chemotherapy, Mildred tells herself, and this is normal. As long as she can keep Gwendolyn eating, she’ll be okay; she’ll gain the weight back, her hair will grow again once the chemotherapy chemicals have left her system. She just has to keep Gwendolyn eating and drinking and sleeping and remembering that she’s alive— 

Gwendolyn’s hand in her hair is grounding, and it tightens against her scalp as her breathing speeds up.

“Mildred,” Gwendolyn murmurs, and Mildred raises her head to look up. “Mildred, I…”

Mildred waits patiently, giving her a hesitant smile. Gwendolyn sighs, tilts her head back, and Mildred realizes she’s trying not to cry. She reaches for the older woman’s hand. 

“Mildred, I’m going to leave you someday.” 

The stars come down. Everything is too bright, too warm, too cold. Mildred’s chest tightens and stretches across the entire horizon, and she cannot hold the world like this. 

“Don’t, Gwendolyn, no you’re not—“ 

“No, Mildred, I am,” she says. It’s firm, even if her voice wavers. She tugs gently at Mildred’s hair and guides Mildred’s eyes back to her. “Whether or not it’s from this cancer—“ 

“It won’t be, I’m not losing you—“

“Please, Mildred,” she shudders. “I need to say this.” 

Mildred falls silent. The stars belong in the sky. They don’t belong on the Earth, nothing that is so intensely fire and ice does. 

“If it’s this cancer that kills me, or just old age someday, I’m going to leave you.” She swallows and a tear rolls down her cheek. Mildred reaches up to brush it away. She gives the older woman a watery smile. “And it will hurt me, but I know it will hurt you more. And I need you to make me a promise.” 

Mildred swallows. “Can you do that for me?” She swallows again, scrubs at her eyes as if it will stop the tears. 

She feels as if the stars have collided all within her, pulling her down to the ground, weighing her heart down like a stone. 

“I need you to promise me to keep living.”

Mildred shudders in a breath. It’s too painful to think about. She shakes her head slightly and tears come spilling out. 

“Mildred, I need you to promise me that. I cannot stand—“ her voice breaks, and Mildred’s head snaps up, finds Gwendolyn well and truly crying herself. “I cannot stand the thought that you would give up. You have too bright a spark,” she says, finishing on a hushed note, her hands coming to frame Mildred’s face. “You have so much to offer this world. You do, Mildred, and you deserve to share it.” 

“I want to share it with you,” Mildred breathes. “I need you.”

“I know,” Gwendolyn wavers, squeezing Mildred’s face in her hands slightly, thumbs sweeping tears away. “I know, but someday, you’re going to have to learn to live without me.” 

“I can’t _do_ that,” Mildred sobs, and it’s a dam that breaks. “I can’t, I won’t—“ It wails out of her, all the fight keeping her body tense leaving her bones. She’s got no strength left. She falls into Gwendolyn’s lap and sobs. 

Gwendolyn bends over her, her forehead to Mildred’s hair. “You can,” she breathes through her own tears. “I know you can. You are so strong, my love, and so clever, and I adore you. I can’t stand to think of your life cut short just for me.” 

Mildred tightens her arms around Gwendolyn’s legs. She grips the fabric of Gwendolyn’s pyjama trousers in her hands. She can’t ground herself anymore, she’s floating in an endless sea of pain. 

“Please, Gwendolyn, don’t ask me that,” she sobs out. “I can’t promise you that.”

Gwendolyn lifts herself back up. Her breath shudders in, shudders out. 

“I can’t live without you,” Mildred confesses. 

“Yes you can,” Gwendolyn argues, and she sounds so tired. Mildred wants to ease her pain, but she can’t give her this, can’t promise her something she can’t give. 

They’ve reached an impasse, and it terrifies Mildred. She can’t give Gwendolyn what she wants. She isn’t sure the older woman won’t call it quits to spare her now. She doesn’t know whether she’s lost her chance at happiness, at running to Mexico with her love, at a life. A real life, not a chase scene, but a life with love and safety and belonging. 

“We can’t run from this forever,” Gwendolyn says. Mildred can barely hear it. But she knows it’s true. “It’ll come for me before it comes for you.”

“I won’t let it,” Mildred shudders. “I won’t, I can’t. I love you too much.”

Gwendolyn shakes her head, sweeping a hand under Mildred’s chin. “And I love you. I can’t bear the thought of your story ending too soon.” 

“Please, just— just stay,” Mildred begs. She’s not sure she has a heart anymore; Gwendolyn holds it, owns it, keeps it in her hands. 

She’s usually so gentle with it. 

“I’m trying,” Gwendolyn tells her, “I really am.”

The sky is heavy. The stars weigh it down as they fall, tear-tracks of the consequences of falling in love.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, folks, check in below. Assume all cuddles are given as requested. I'll try to write some fluff later. <3


End file.
